The Journey of a couple of budding Pick Up Artists

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Conversational skills

I have new insights in the area of conversations. The central idea is RELATING. At first, I was introduced to the idea of being a good listener. So I just listened and of couse, that is a dumb thing to do. Then, I analysed the speaker's speech and agreed to them. That is of course insufficienc as well. What I find most efficient and effective now is to relate.

What is relating. Relating is to be an reflective listener and reply in assumptive commenting using experiences of your own. Now what does it mean? It means that first, you have to listen carefully to your target, and you have to be able to get the gist of the speech and then, show that you understand and appreciate it by presenting your own situation/experiences that share the essence of the other person's speech.

This should for the basis to set up the context of your conversation. By structure your conversations this way, you will be able to show that you genuinely understand and appreciate the other person, keep the focus of your conversation on relatable topics such as emotions, feelings and attitudes, make your exchange more open-ended, get the other person engaged, enable you to reward her (and hence SOI and escalate her) and slowly set yourself up as the leader for the conversation. Also, more importantly, you should achieve a good balance of exchanges where not only is she talking to you, she is also curious about you and are engaged to find out about you. You'd need that balance to achieve appropriate tension and satisfaction of the conversation.

Hmmm, this got me thinking... social hooking by commiting her in a conversation is just like getting phone number or securing a coffee date... It means nothing. What is meaningful is that she WANTS to be talking to you - And this is what I should focus my work on. If she wants to talk to you, and you make it easy (providing opportunities and setting up challenges), the conversation will be easy. Without those, the conversations will be difficult. Once again, this happens really early on in the interaction.


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