The Journey of a couple of budding Pick Up Artists

Sunday, July 30, 2006

From a DJ news letter

This Tip of the day from the Don Juan New Letters from 6/25/2006 spells out my conversational techniques. If you check my eaerlier post, you'll find lots of similar insights. (Hey, I am not crazy afterall!). I find this to be particularly truthful and it helps me a lot in guiding my conversations with women. Anyway, here it is:

    ** How to Talk to Women **

    By golly, you've actually met a woman.

    Maybe you're in bar. Maybe you're at the gym or laundromat. Maybe
    she's someone you know from work. Or maybe, even, you're actually
    out on a date.

    In any event, now you've got to do something scary, something
    unpredictable, something with the power to launch a future romantic
    relationship, or end one before it even gets started.


    What do you talk about? Should you tell her about your childhood,
    your therapist, your plans for the future, the wart on your big toe?
    What if you can't think of anything to say? What if you say the
    wrong thing? And, by the way, what would be the "right" thing to
    say? Do you have a clue?

    Most guys don't. When your average gent converses with a woman,
    he's basically just flailing blindly at the wind, hoping by chance
    that something he says will "connect" with the woman and make her
    fall for him.

    Needless to say, this is not the "Don Juan" way of doing things.

    You need to have a plan. You need to know DEFINITELY what works and
    what doesn't, what to talk about and what not to talk about. You
    don't want to leave her feelings to chance or to fate. You want to
    be charming and in control.

    And that's what we're going to discuss right now.

    Now there are many many aspects of a conversation. This particular
    article focuses on the conversational TOPICS that you should focus
    on when wooing a beautiful lady. Those topics which will almost
    GUARANTEE increased interpersonal attraction. Topics which will
    leave you in complete charge of the conversation, and which will
    leave you the option, IF YOU SO DESIRE, of future conversations,
    dates, or an intense romantic relationship.

    Are you getting excited?

    Okay, so WHAT exactly do you talk about?

    Well, the first thing to remember is that men frequently err by
    talking TOO MUCH. They often monopolize conversations, droning on
    and on about topics that bore women to tears. They think they're
    "impressing" the women when, in reality, they're "depressing" the

    Just because a woman listens to you and acts interested in what
    you're saying doesn't necessarily mean she really is. She might
    just be acting polite while silently wishing that the date would
    hurry up and end, or that you would go away... and never come back.

    So key number one is DON'T TALK SO MUCH!

    Try not to monopolize the conversation and try to LISTEN to what SHE
    has to say. Remember, everyone is incredibly interested in what
    they themselves have to say. People will talk to you about
    themselves for as long as you will listen.

    So stop worrying about what you're going to say next. Focus all
    your attention and energy on listening to what the woman is saying
    to you. Try to visualize or "feel" what she's saying.

    This does take a little effort. It's not very hard to do, but it's
    not something that men "naturally" do. You simply have to

    Now when listening you want to pay particular attention to any
    "seeds" or free information she happens to throw your way. Seeds
    refer to subtle hints that women give that point to conversational
    topics that they would like to or be willing to discuss.

    An example:

    Bob: You come here often?

    Kim: Actually this is my first time here. Just moved here from

    Bob: Oh. I come here every week. I love this band. It's pretty
    crowded tonight.

    Bob is clueless.

    Kim gives him plenty of free information to follow up on. It's
    almost as if she's testing him to see if he has the intelligence or
    social skills to capitalize on what she says. Bob fails.

    So what would be the "right" thing to say?

    Well... she mentions that this is her first time in the club and
    she just moved here from Florida. Bob could have properly "watered
    the seeds" by asking: a) How does she like the club, band, etc? b)
    What brought her here from Florida? c) How long has she been in the
    area? d) Where in Florida is she from? e) How long was she there?
    f) What's it like there?

    Kim's two short sentences gave Bob tons of information to follow up
    on. Tons of conversational topics that she has indirectly indicated
    that she'd like to talk about. But Bob was too worried about
    himself, too worried about the impression he was making, too worried
    about what to say next to LISTEN to what she said.

    Do you see the importance of listening now?

    You must concentrate on what she says and block everything else out
    of your mind. If you listen you never have to worry about what to
    say next because the other person is "telling" you exactly what to

    Kim even subtly indicated that she was attracted to Bob (or at least
    not repulsed by him). How? She didn't blow him off.

    She gave him some free information to talk to her about. This may
    have been a conscious decision on her part or it may have been a
    somewhat unconscious act. In any event, Bob didn't pick up on it
    and blew his chances with her.

    Keep in mind that if a woman likes you or would like to get to know
    you better, she will GIVE YOU free information to follow up on. She
    will throw out some seeds for you to water. If she's not attracted
    to you, she won't give you much of anything and it will be very
    difficult to maintain a decent conversation with her. No matter how
    charming you are, if she doesn't "help you out some" you'll
    eventually have to admit defeat and walk away.

    So be sure to listen for the topics she'd like to discuss.

    Now in order to converse for maximum attraction, you need to keep
    two other things in mind. You need to tell her about yourself, and
    you need to maintain a proper talk/listen ratio.

    You may have heard or read somewhere that people like to talk about
    themselves and that you should spend most of your time listening and
    asking questions if you want others to like you. This is true...
    to a certain extent.

    People DO like to talk about themselves and they DO like those who
    listen, ask questions, and seem interested in what they're saying.


    If you're goal is to charm this lady, you've got to do more than
    that. You've got to tell her something about yourself.
    Specifically, you've got to "tell her" that YOU TWO ARE VERY MUCH

    You do this by making "me-too" statements.

    That is, it is desirable to bring yourself into the conversation
    when you can relate yourself to something she's talking about or
    make yourself seem similar to her.

    For example:

    Kim: I really miss Miami.

    Jim: I can imagine. I spent two weeks in Miami last summer. I
    loved it. Even thought about moving there myself.

    Jim is smooth.

    Jim didn't ask a question (this time). He told Kim something about
    himself that made him seem similar to her. Now if Jim has also been
    listening and asking questions, then he's probably doing very well
    with Kim.

    A good talk/listen ratio would be around 40/60 or 30/70. That is,
    you want to spend around 30 or 40 percent of the time talking, and
    about 60 to 70 percent of the time listening. And you should spend
    as much of that 30 to 40 percent as possible in the "me-too zone."

    Think about it this way...

    Let's assume you just went on a dinner date with a lady you like
    very much. If you monopolized the conversation and spent most of
    the time telling her how "wonderful" you are, you can pretty much
    expect there won't be a second date. I hope you can understand

    On the other hand, imagine you'd spent the entire two hours together
    sitting there, listening, and asking her questions. You probably
    did much better. She did seem happy. She did seem to enjoy the

    But still...

    After the date she's going to go home and think about the date. And
    she's going to think about you. She's going to think about whether
    she should spend more time with you or not.

    The fact that you haven't said much of anything all evening is going
    to be your downfall... BECAUSE SHE HAS NOTHING TO THINK ABOUT.

    You haven't told her anything about yourself. She still has no idea
    if she should be interested in you or not. She knows you don't
    monopolize the conversation and you're a good listener. And she
    likes that. But that's not enough to spark any kind of emotion in

    Now imagine you'd spent 60 to 70 percent of the date listening to
    her (really listening and asking questions), and about 30 to 40
    percent of the time telling her about yourself. Specifically,
    telling her about yourself in a way that makes the two of you seem
    very similar.

    This time when she goes home, sits down, grabs something to drink,
    and starts reminiscing about the date (and you), she's going to have
    something substantial to think about. She's going to think what a
    wonderful conversationalist you are. You didn't monopolize the
    conversation. You didn't bore her with details of your job, your
    childhood, or the health of your colon.

    And because you spent a substantial amount of time pointing out how
    similar the two of you are, she's going to think that you are very
    SPECIAL. (After all, you're just like her. You must be.)

    People always like others who are similar to themselves. By being
    similar to me, you essentially validate my perceptions of the world.
    I will see you as clever, intelligent, charming, and likeable...
    because you're like me.

    (It's true that opposites do SOMETIMES attract. But only under
    certain situations. On the other hand, similars ALMOST ALWAYS
    attract. You should always go for the similarity angle during the
    first part of a relationship. You can reveal to her your "unique"
    qualities later.)

    And don't worry or feel cheated because you don't get to talk about
    the things you want to talk about. If you play your cards right
    during the first few conversations or dates, you'll have plenty of
    time later on to bore her with all your "interesting" stories.

    The first few conversations (dates) are critical and you have to
    play them right. That means listening for free info, asking
    interested questions, and making "me too" statements.

    It's a simple 1, 2, 3.

    Allen Thompson


  • At 9:46 PM, Blogger Mimesis said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • At 1:34 AM, Blogger Falcon said…

    I like this post.

    This line struck home..."People always like others who are similar to themselves. By being
    similar to me, you essentially validate my perceptions of the world.
    I will see you as clever, intelligent, charming, and likeable...
    because you're like me."

    This is so true! It applies to all the people I am good friends with... we see the world in a similar way.

    My problem when talking to women is what to talk about? It is so much easier to let her dictate the topics of conversation. I must flow with the conversation. When I don't know what to say, I tend to babble and unload all my knowledge... I like to dominate the conversation. This is a bad habit!

  • At 1:53 AM, Blogger Mimesis said…

    Falcon, I think your conversations are stimulating. At least, the conversations with me anyway. I too, find myself talking too much. In Juggler method, it suggests that you have to be prepared to supply 90% of the conversation, but push it slowly to about 50%.

    A very useful thing I find is to prompt responses. What you do is really making statements: If you feel like the person likes adventures, talk about your adventurous experience or opinion on it. Then, they will be able to relate - and they think you can be related. That you both understand each other.

    What you really want to say is what they said subliminally. So, listening is key. But you don't say something like "You like hot sex on an exotic location", you say "Man, it is so nice when you are on holiday somewhere in Brazil, you get to meet beautiful new people, it is so exciting"

  • At 3:25 AM, Blogger Jimmy Foxx said…

    Take notice of which conversation topics light her eyes up, or get her excited, and STAY WITH THAT TOPIC. You might be tempted to butt in and tell her your experience, but let her steal the show until she is exhausted with that topic.

    Women love to talk about themselves. That's not selfish, just their way of subliminally sharing themselves with you. Take it as a compliment and lean back.

    In summary...:

    If she's involved in a conversation, and seems to be enjoying it, let HER lead.

    When it's time to decide on somewhere to go, or something to do, YOU do the leading.

    Combined, this makes you both a good listener AND a leader.

  • At 4:03 AM, Blogger Mimesis said…

    Couldn't agree more. When a woman is about to run out of conversation and you can help her into the next exciting topic -- YOU ARE THE MAN!

    You are experienced, gentle, can lead her and guide her into all sorts of wonderful feelings, she is comfortable to express herself in front of you. Its just like an act of taking her hand and guiding her through a beautiful park. You sweep her off her feet!

    How many chumps out there can do that? Probably none. By doing that, you are showing how different and valuable you are.


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