The Journey of a couple of budding Pick Up Artists

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Dominance vs submissiveness

One thing that the PUA material is generally missing but perhaps vaguely touched upon is the concepts of dominance and submissiveness.

There are many ways to dissect relationships in the modern (and mostly western world). The oprah type, the Freudian type, the new age spirituality type, the feminista type, the bogan type, the suburbian type... They are all very different, and the PUA point of view is highly appealing as it is based on what WORKS, not theories. It is probably more scientific than any science I have every been associated with. There is however, one model of looking at relationships that is based on theory yet is highly effective. One that I have been experimenting, observing, discussing in SL and perhaps practicing it to a certain degree in RL.

In the PUA stuff, we talked about being alpha, being dominant, leading etc. This is related. What I find is that many women like to be led, being taken control of. And this brings me to the ideas around the BDSM culture. Some girls are doms, some girls are subs, and same apply for men. You'd like to think that sometimes girls like you to treat them right, to show them affection, to be sweet and kind and loving... well, thats not going to go down very well if she is a submissive is it? She is looking for a dominant, someone to dominate her. And if she is a dom, she is going to abuse you a bit, treating you like a shitty slave anyway! They are looking for someone to boss over, to dominate over, being a control freak. You are expected to act like a pet, or a slave. Without narcissistic tendencies, its not going to go down too well for you.

Taking this idea into consideration, you might find that it explains a lot of things when you reflect upon your past experiences. The BDSM community in both the SL and the RL has some of the sanest people! Despite their image otherwise - we fear what we don't understand, thats understandable. With this understanding, you can see why drama queens behave the way they do, why, perhaps, you keep coming back to someone who treat you like shit. Also to consider is that dominance and submissiveness is not black and white, more like a gradient and its all relative. So there is always a period of power struggle.

it is a quick a dirty way of determing how you should treat a girl. Some girl like to be lead, not all. This is where the PUA stuff is lacking. Some girls like to lead and abuse you, some girls want you to be sweet with them. Keep in mind that there is the SSC of BDSM - Safe, Sane and Consential. So, there is a safety, trust aspeect of it. Which has a lot to do with the whole BDSM culture. Intimacy and trust. Don't be a fool and intrude into someone else's lives by performing dominance or submissiveness. You need to build rapport, trust. Being aware of these things is very useful.


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